You Put the “Suck” In “Liposucktion”

Ya smell me?

As a person who watches a movie a day, you may find it surprising that I literally just saw Dreamgirls. And didn’t like it so much. Of course there was Jennifer Hudson’s “And I Am Telling You,” which gave me full-body chills. And Eddie Murphy was better than expected. But I cannot, for the LOG,** get over Beyonce’s starring on the bill when she had half the screen time of Jennifer Hudson and oh, right, CAN’T ACT. Especially considering Hudson’s showstopper is followed later by Beyonce’s only solo “Listen,” and I went from having full-body chills to feeling dead inside. Jamie Foxx even tells her in the movie that she’s got a marketable voice, but it’s nothing special. I understand this business of show and since Beyonce is buttloads more famous than Jennifer Hudson, she would be promoted as the star of the film. But this idealization of Beyonce clearly goes far beyond Dreamgirls, which is what I have issue with.

Let’s take “Irreplaceable.” Number 1 on TRL, Billboard and generally praised for its…what, exactly? Lame lyrics? Tacky ballad-ness? Although, in the era where High School Musical reigns supreme as this country’s most popular album, Beyonce’s fame would make sense. Beyonce isn’t mediocre per se, but she’s not the talent that many perceive her to be. She’s somewhere between Madonna and Christina Aguilera, which means she’s just all right. NBD,** really, yet I seriously feel like I’m in the episode “Superstar” from Buffy season four. Jonathan, a baby-sized loser, casts a spell on all of Sunnydale, making himself a genuine superstar in the eyes of everyone around him, starring in The Matrix and even battling demons better than Buffy herself.

Granted, Beyonce isn’t a 5’3’’ fictional male character, but she may as well be because she’s done the same thing, convincing the world that she’s this great superstar. That’s not talent, kids—that’s marketing. Now, I’m not trying to persuade you to see Beyonce for what she truly isn’t and boycott her. What I am saying is, if I see this woman’s armpits in one more photo, I’m going to shoot myself in the foot. Well, what I really mean is, if she’s famous for her “great” talent, then I should be too. Because last time I checked, I made a mean bowl of black beans and considering the standards for fame and fortune today, that should make me a headlining star by now.

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