Hey, Britney: You Say You Wanna Lose Control? Well, Don’t.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us I’m sure by now we’re all just a tad Britneyed out, but I really just need to talk about Britney’s comeback. The woman FINALLY divorced K-Fey and then decided to just make the worst decisions ever. Seriously, Paris Hilton? And maybe that celesbian** relationship turned sour but irregardless,** I miss covered-crotch Britney. And like anyone else who reads celeb news, I believe myself to be a legitimate authority on celebrities’ personal lives and thus offer three key steps for Britney’s successful comeback:

1. Either stay single or at least upgrade from Kevin. Maybe you’re not dating JR Assface anymore, but now you’re dating a gay man, so that’s not much better. I didn’t think that a downgrade was possible unless you’re counting non-humans (like animals and not vampires cause duh, dating a vampire would only be the best thing ever, especially if his name starts with a “Spike” and ends with a “is hot.”) and um, Tara Reid. The odds were all with you, Brit, but yet again, you defy the gods. And not with your abs. Speaking of, bring them back.

2. I know you finally learned your lesson about this magical thing we call “underwear” but considering you showed us your vagina 18000 times in a month, I’d do the following: decide on your favorite pair, put them on, take some krazy glue and just stick those fuckers on permanently. Because whether it’s you, Lindsay or I-just-vomited-in-my-mouth-a-little Paris Hilton, I will click that NSFW link. During class. And it’s awkward, so keep them panties on, ho!

3. So, remember those random ass midgets Sean Preston and Jayden James? Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not midgets: they’re your BABIES. Take care of them. Or at least use your millions for good and hire someone else to take care of them so you can get in those 1000 crunches a day.

So, that’s my very wise advice for Britney. Now, I’m not entirely sure that she’s literate but I would imagine that she knows someone who is. Who can read this to her and then beat her into submission until she finally admits that I’m right about everything. And gives me money. Well, maybe not the money part but either way, you suck, Dallas rules.

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