Is That a Tampon In Your Mouth or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Please don't kill me

In the wake of, Paris Hilton has gone far beyond being the overexposed celebrity she already is. It’s no longer the casual crotch shot for us, no sir. Now it’s licking coke off a plate and looking at your own boobs. A lot. And yeah, sure, she’s an idiot to leave her stuff available for sale (or a genius) but then again, does anyone really deserve to have this kind of information available to every Tom, Dick and Samuel** that comes your way? I respond with a firm nay!

Looking through the contents of the site, I realized that Paris Hilton really is just a regular girl with regular problems. Herpes? Please, that’s not just Paris. I mean I know that I’ve…never had herpes but you know, shit happens. Doing enough coke to cover a small country (or just a hairy man’s chest)? Bitch please, that’s just breakfast we’re talking about here. Pretending to smoke a tampon? In the apartment where there is a tampon colored in with a blood red Sharpie on Stephen’s pillow, that’s just a given. So, as an equally regular girl with similar problems, I know I wouldn’t want my shit all up in everyone’s bidness. Because really, who knows what you’d find in my storage unit? Well, I can tell you right now:

1.Buckets of Lego sets, including the Batmobile that I bought for myself on my 19th birthday and the box of Legos that Stephen bought me on that same birthday. No joke.

2.Signed promo pictures of David Boreanaz, Sarah Michelle Gellar and others of the WB gang because um, I wrote a lot of celebrities letters in middle school. Yes, much has changed.

3.Assless chaps because that’s how X-Tina and I roll out to dinner. B’doidoi.

4.A wooden hand, a cane and a dead body. Don’t ask.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usSo you see, this isn’t just another case of wacky celebrity lives exposed. These are real people we’re dealing with, just like you and me. Sure, I’m not an almost-billionaire whose entire family name and integrity rests on my shoulders, but you know what else I’m not? A baby, because I’m a man! An anchor man! Now, please leave me alone so I can go on Howard Stern and have a midget throw bologna at my ass.

And some words of wisdom from **Rayray:
“What is it with Paris Hilton? Where are her parents when she’s doing all these things, why haven’t they come out and put her in rehab? It’s too weird! I think it’s all just a big joke, a big publicity stunt so that ten years down the line, she’ll turn around to everyone and say GOTCHYA MOTHAFUCKAAAAAS!” Besides finding it a valid point, I also wanted to note these words so when this actually does happen, Rayray and I can gloat together. And she can buy me a celebratory dinner at Koi. Because I’m the Maaaaaary!** And the best daughter.

Source, Source


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