Father to Daughter Lohan: Let’s Do It!

I don’t know what it is about today, but it certainly seems to be a day of random letters circulating in the celeb world. First, Donald’s slew of indirect insults to Rosie and now a letter from everyone’s favorite inmate, Michael Lohan. I’m not sure if the entire Lohan family was bred to be one giant publicity stunt, but I don’t even care because this letter is awesome. Well, not so much awesome as it is filled with references to God and a boy in a wheelchair. Just do what I did and don’t replace the word “God” with “penis” and it’s…just as boring. Wait, what? I’ll just stop talking now. Here’s some excerpts from the letter that made me laugh/creep me out.
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Remember the boy in the wheelchair while we attended ABC Primetime at Disneyland, or how about the little girl with cancer at Leigh Valley Hospital? We sow in tears but can reap in joy Lindsay. But it’s all up to us. The treasure is in your heart and that’s where it belongs…

…I’m not going to point fingers, make excuses or expose anyone, but I will say this: You know the truth, I know the truth, God knows the truth, and while that’s all that truly matters, living by the truth is the glue that will hold it all together. God is synonymous with truth, just as Satan is the “father of lies”…

…This is your chance my love, start from the beginning. Fill yourself with the kind of love and good, God wants you to have and you’ll be blessed more than ever…

…My heart is with you sweetheart and so am I. Always was and always will be, to the very end. We are one soul inhabiting two bodies. Two in kind. I feel your love, the pain and your presence as I hope you do mine…

…I can’t wait for the day to hold you, look in your eyes and reap the joy we sowed with our tears. Until then, know that God is with you, and so am I. – My undying love, Daddy

So, reading this over, I’m not gonna lie, I feel violated. As should Lindsay. Because the last thing my dad wrote me was something along the lines of “thx honey,” not “we are one soul, I can’t wait to look into your eyes and caress you by the moonlight on Lover’s Lane.” I know the guy’s in jail and how shall I put this, tired of the buttsex with men, but that’s no excuse to try to mack it with your daughter! And on that note, good day, sir.

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