Dear Christina: Ssssh **UPDATED!

So my initial goal was to do an extensive recap of tonight’s Grammy’s. But the mixture of the Grammy’s being the worst awards show ever and my completely incapacitating stomach virus that was not actually a result of last night’s heavy drinking made it impossible for me to watch the show for more than five minutes. I did, however, catch the tail end of Christina Aguilera’s performance. Oh, did I say performance? I’m sorry, I meant complete assault on my ears that made me temporarily deaf. Apparently it was a tribute to James Brown but all I heard was a high pitched shriek that I thought only dogs could hear and some oohs and aaahs that were a lot, even for X-Tina.

Now, I’m very much part of Team Aguilera and doi am counting down until her concert in the Staples Center. But when the woman can’t get a single word in because she’s yeaaaaahing and ooohing and nsting so much, there’s a problem. If I really wanted to hear someone pretend to sing by shouting really loudly, X, I could just turn to Jessica Simpson or Beyonce. But I don’t want to. Because I hate them. So please, a word of advice from one lady ho to another: enough with the oversinging. We all know you can sang, and you’re all legit now, so just simma down, brush your hair and please come to our apartment to sing me “Hurt” every night so I don’t have to waste my iPod battery. A good night.

Sidenote: While last night wasn’t X-Tina’s peak performance, it certainly was Shakira’s. Or so everyone’s saying but I thought it was like all her other “Hips Don’t Lie” performances, which isn’t a bad thing. Plus it was her first English Grammy’s performance so kudos on that. And the whole “being multilingual” thing.

“I don’t like the competition part of soccer. It’s like a war in short pants. I prefer art.”

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