In Response to Britney’s Baldness

After getting over my initial projectile vomiting from Britneygate 2007, I couldn’t help but be reminded of a little thing I like to call “my first post.” I am very wise, I know, but clearly, Britney didn’t take heed to that advice, so I’m hitting her up with some more. Although I’ve never been more convinced of Britney’s inability to make good decisions, so let’s see how this flies. To continue from the previous list:

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us4. Shaving your head ≠ smart. I understand you’re frustrated, Brit, and this is your way of lashing out at the world, but please, keep it on the DL. Fine, go, shave your head. But seriously, just put on a wig immediately after and kill everyone around you! That way you can enjoy your four seconds of freedom without the problem of those pesky guys with CAMERAS who managed to get dozens of pictures of your dumbass decision.

5. Stop doing drugs. It’s a weird concept, this “being sober” thing but it’s also a magical one which allows people to function on a basic level. You can’t control this problem? Then go to fucking rehab. And not that miraculous 24-hour one you went to yesterday. Wonderland doesn’t count either. I mean hardcore, lock-a-bitch-in rehab. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet a charming rugged baseball player who saves you after you fall out of a tree trying to get the pills you dropped from your second floor room during a stormy night. Or maybe you’ll just watch 28 Days while there and not actually experience any of that in real life.

6. Disown your family. Clearly, Lynn and Jamie aint doin shiiiit, which is understandable since you could buy their souls. But you can’t buy Rayray’s** soul. Because she’s from the Bronx and will cut you faster than you can say “oops.” A little tough love never hurt so, for the sake of humanity, I am offering you my very own family in place of your own, to be used until you stop acting crazy or until Lindsay offish leaves rehab because I care more about her well-being than yours.

Again, the likelihood of Britney taking this advice to heart is slim to none considering no one but me and Stephen read this blog. In the meantime, all I can do is hope that Britney will get the help she needs because after all, had I been the world’s biggest superstar at age 16 instead of an awkward New Yorker with a Jewfro, maybe I’d be that fucked up too. Or maybe I wouldn’t because I’d be the best celebrity EVER.

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