Knowleses Mastermind Bot-yonce-gate ’07

Oh deary me! It looks like some SI swimsuit models and the ever charming Beyonce Knowles may have been exposed to an acute form of Hepatitis A!! The Health Department of L.A. County has issued a statement that there was something foul in the food catered by Wolfgang Puck earlier this month during the SI Swimsuit Edition Valentine’s Day party!! Oh how I am concerned for the well being of those innocent young women!

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usUnless… Wait a minute (guuurrl, why you do me like that). I smell something fishy. Feeling in my gut that something is awry, I quickly flick on my DVD of Get A Clue. Surely, in my moment of need, pre-teen Lindsay will be of use. And as always she has pulled through, inspiring me to engage in some internet-sleuthing which leads me to this site – a top-secret “Wikipedia” file found documenting what “Hepatitis A” really is. I peruse the document. A bird caws in the distance. To my horror, I spy… ANOREXIA as a symptom?? Is this perhaps a… CONSPIRACY to keep models skinny or to… KILL THEM?? Is this some kind of SICK PLOY?

Surely it is. The plan — it was too well conceived, it’s execution — flawless. But who was behind this all? I pause to think long and hard. Take a moment to breathe. And a few more to watch Avril Lavigne’s new “Girlfriend” video. Alas, Avril provides the answers. It is complicated. A damn cold night. The man behind it all is the victim herself, Bot-yonce.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usSee, unlike the general public, I have been privy for many years now to the information that Beyonce is really Bot-yonce, a 27th generation IPod from the future that “sings” on its own. Bot-yonce was far too advanced for the human race to control, and in a last ditch effort to save humanity, NASA launched Bot-yonce into the past. Upon her arrival to the year 2000, Bot-yonce did one of those neck-snap thingies to the real Beyonce, released a solo album, and rejoined forces with Matthew Knowles, aka Satan.

My deductions prove correct once again! This recent brouhaha executed at the SI party is not a mere coincident, it is in fact just another in a series of events concocted by the EKC (Evil Knowles Contingency). In Bot-yonce’s quest to become the most beautiful woman alive (which is clearly impossible, because she is an IPod), she has stealthy poisoned the world’s most revered women, knowing she herself hardly susceptible to a simple human virus! What will Bot-yonce do next?!?!?!

Only God knows. And God helped J-Hud win an Oscar last night. So all I’m sayin’ is: Jennifer Hudson watch yo back.

The End.



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