I’M STEPHELICIOUS (BUT I AIN’T PROMISCUOUS)

Queen MaryWell guys, there’s not much to say about me except that earlier today a tall blonde boy walked in on me in the basement handicap bathroom of a business building on campus.

Ok. Maybe there’s a little more.

I was born in the glam, posh, hip, lush, diddylicious town of Bartlesville, Oklahoma. Yes – a ville. After a few years as an Okie, I moved to Houston, then to Hong Kong, and then back to (what I am forced to consider my hometown) Houston. I like to pretend that I’m from small town Texas. But I’m Asian. It doesn’t work. I wish I could be southern and charming. But in reality I have yellow skin, slanty eyes, and a gambling problem. Well, if slanty eyes meant unnaturally buggy eyes and a gambling problem actually meant a problem in which one eyelid is bigger than the other because it got bit by a spider my senior year of high school and has never fully went down.

In 10th grade of high school I was fat. I hid honey barbeque Fritos in my desk drawer and ate them in between factoring exercises. Then, one day I woke up, and I was 30 pounds overweight. I threw my fists into my mirror and it shattered all over the bathroom vanity. Dramatic, I know. What can I say? I had just watched Lindsay’s “Confessions of a Broken Heart” video 37 times on repeat. Wait, no, that was just now.

Anyways, after losing weight by undergoing a horse-tooth veneer replacement surgery pioneered by Hilary Duff, I met my current roommate, Olivia. We were soul mates because well, frankly, our lives were collectively pathetic. one day, after we wiped all the crumbs that had collected on our couch over a 14 hour Giada marathon in which we ate only cheddar munchie mix and fresh dumps**, we decided… lets do a blog. Why you ask? Because I needed a reason to tell you someone walked in on me doin my bidness…doi.

No but really, I just wanted to live my life! So just back up off me and…Read our blog? Please?? I have some Fritos in my drawer for you…

Stephen


HAY HAY HAY SURVAAAY:

Occupation: Sophomore, University of Southern California
Major: Business Cinema Television, Minor: Gender Studies
Height: 5’11” (NOT 5’7 3/4”)
Weight: 30 pounds less than fat
Proudest Moment: The day I discovered that there were 50 states — not 51 — by realizing 51 stars wouldn’t fit as pretty on the flag.
Life Aspiration: To meet the fat asian boy that used to be in Lindsay’s myspace profile and understand why he is friends with her and not me
What I have in my car: Proactiv… i mean i think i do (@1:12)…

3 Responses to “About Stephen”


  1. 1 angiebeans January 28, 2007 at 2:18 am

    i love stepheeeen! and this blog! haha

  2. 2 tiffany and tyler February 4, 2007 at 12:23 am

    tiffany loves hilary duff

  3. 3 Tyler and Josh February 16, 2007 at 11:09 pm

    Hi Stephen!

    I am very grateful that you were walked in on. It has led to millions of others to be entertained by your self-irony, inherently funny words, stereotyping, paraprosdokians, humorous triples, and most of all your authenticity. What’s life without these stories? BBQ Fritos without dextrose sugar, MSG, onion, tomato, paprika, modified food starch, hydrolyzed protein, citric acid, extractives of paprika, garlic, caramel color, turmeric, natural and artificial flavors, disodium inosinate, disodium guanylate, and the risk of reaction for those with allergies against soy and wheat ingredients.. which = plain Fritos. (which is actually not that unhealthy, but not very fun)

    You’re still under Tyler’s favorites… despite all the negative criticism he’s always making. Keep making it better, and it might one minute be up to the Hilary Duff greatness level. He’s always telling me how much you love Duff. Betterment is the ultimate goal right, or do you just wanna live your life?

    Oh yeah, and remember life’s never pathetic.


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