Archive for the 'by livvy' Category



Oscars 2007 aka The Longest Nap Of My Life

The Notebook

So while Stephen is off not getting tazered in the face as he attempts to crash Elton John’s after-Oscar party, I’m going to avoid working on my paper and do some Oscar updating. Well, not so much updating as it is mocking of the entire institution and all it holds dear. Now, now, don’t Fergie in your pants—I shall be updating throughout or at least for as long as I can stay awake. Here goes:

Best I’m off to a raging 80s party on the row, dude…outfit: Jessica Biel. And honestly, if this ho were really as hot as everyone claims, she’d be able to pull off wearing a garbage bag…covered in poop. But she can’t even wear this and look good so come on, who’s the hottie now? Exactly.

Best example of a foreign accent making all the dif: Penelope Cruz. I don’t really have anything clever for this so…um…I’m gonna go….

Most appealing manwich: Diego and Gael. Muy caliente! Nst.

Best example of when not to wear a mommy-dress: Elizabeth Shue. Seriously, when would this ever be a good decision?

Best reminder of why shiny gold jackets are generally bad ideas: Jennifer Hudson. J Hud, a word of advice: when you find yourself suddenly famous, it’s generally wise to look good at all times. Not everyone is as blessed as me in that department, I know, but you at least have to try.

The one who makes aging not quite as scary: Catherine Deneuve. Old laaaady!

Most creative accessory: Wolfgang Puck. Mmm…edible oscar. Although I think a wienerschnitzel would have been more appropriate and much more hilarious here.

Worst attempt at “The Britney:” Jackie Earle Haley, the pedophile from Little Children, tied with Jack Nicholson aka Rachel Green’s hairless cat from “The One With the Ball.”

Best use of a gospel choir: Well, let’s be real, obvi it’s Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” video. Okay, maybe it wasn’t used in the Oscars per se but this shit could use a bit of 1989 Madonna sass.

Only moment really worth watching: That totally adorable reenactment of The Devil Wears Prada between Emily Blunt, Anne Hathaway and please-be-my-second-mom Meryl Streep.

Biggest cop out: Celine Dion not singing “My Heart Will Go On.” I was so prepared to relive my love that is Titanic, not for whatever crap she sang.

Best owning of Dreamgirls: Melissa Ethridge winning for best original song. What suckas–Dreamgirls was nominated for 3 of the 5 songs and they couldn’t even get that right. Served!

Dreamboat of the night: and forever, Clive Owen. Nnnnnnnnssssttttt.

Most annoying embodiment of the Academy’s love of patting itself on the back: Al Gore. Like, we get it: no one likes Prez Bush. No need for the references to Al Gore as president every five minutes. Or for the quick cuts to Stephen Spielberg and every other Hollywood “liberal” clapping excitedly about it. Yeah, I said it!

Total MILF of the night: Diane Keaton. Damn, lady, might as well change your name to Sassy McSasserstein.

Total DILF of the night: Peter O’Toole. Seriously, he was wearing a bowtie and purple jacket and has an accent. Plus, he’s really old and didn’t win so I figured he should get some sort of shout out over here, where it all really matters.

Biggest shocker: Helen Mirren as the best actress?! Forrest Whitaker as best actor?! I never would have guessed.

Worst decision of the night: Eating that ten pound bowl of cereal a minute ago. Eeesh.

Sidenote: You may be wondering why I included a picture of McGosling MOing from The Notebook. Well, I’m not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I just ate about fifty Cadbury eggs and need to believe in true love again by living vicariously through very attractive actors because Spring Break is in a week and I’m. So. Fat. Or it might be because Ryan Gosling is up for Best Actor and he’s the only nominee I could actually give a rat’s ass about…

Source-a-ho, Sourcemeister

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Janey Briggs…Is Hot. And That Boy From About A Boy.

You know, the one with the awkwardly-shaped eyebrows and the high-pitched British accent who bears a striking resemblance to several people from the Trinity School Facebook network. Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usThis is almost as surprising as that time when you saw a picture of the boy from Jerry Maguire at age 13 and found yourself looking at a picture of a mini-me of your uncle Tony who wears wife beaters and gold chains all the time and can only understand the words “hair gel.” Or it’s like that time when the annoying kid who sees dead people suddenly turned 18 and got a DUI. Or when Lindsay Lohan gave the performance of her career playing both twins in The Parent Trap suddenly…got older and was JUST AS AWESOME. Moral of the story? Don’t make Vanilla Ice your style icon, don’t drink and drive, and make sure to do as many drugs as possible, all at once while having sex with multiple partners, so you too can be like Lindsay.

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In Honor Of My Sister, Kathryn

Well, no, she didn’t d-i-e or anything but it’s totarry her birthday right now on the East Coast (the beast coast, haaay!) and I’m doing an honorary post so she can always have a memory of that time she turned 24 for all to see on a little thing I like to call “the internet.” Now, I’ll probably get an angry phone call and perhaps some disowning in 2.4 minutes but I’m posting these pictures out of love, espesh the softball one. And because her BF totally secretly told me to do it. I’ve also included other pictures that aren’t quite as awkward. Which involve me being large in a prom dress. Or Claire being oh-so-angsty. And I apologize if this was overly sarcastic but I’m not entirely used to doing a post that isn’t making fun of someone or myself so have fun on le birthday.So, Kathryn, I shall end this by saying happy birthday since you’re my favorite sibling (besides Claire and Paul…) and…l’chaim.

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We’re Gonna Youtube Brit Like It’s 1999

Nnnnnst

So it’s a slow news day and in my attempt to feel really great about myself by eating my feelings, I’m doing a throwback post. To that glorious era, pre-bald-Britney, when we all had Tamogachis, Beanie Babies and even before then, when Pogs were all the rage and I still had a serious issue with public bathrooms and peed my pants a lot. I mean, when I was really popular and had friends who weren’t my cousins. Or my dog.

Ugh forget it, just watch one of my all-time favorite vids and then cry yourself to nap because Britney used to be totally adorable and so that innocent and because well, dance-offs aren’t part of your daily life. Speaking of, remember after Britney and Justin broke up and danced off in the club and it was like reality mimicking the “Drive Me Crazy” video and you just wished it would never end? Or when she made out with the checker-haired guy onstage during the ONYX Hotel tour and that was only THREE YEARS AGO and K-Fed wasn’t even part of your vocabulary because she still had an awesome bod? Woe is me. Hmph.

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Hot Off the Press! Linds Is Out!

Linds and Koi!

Of rehab, you dirty old man. And maybe it’s not hot off the press since this was in the news hours ago but I was a bit busy eating my ridiculous pure Kobe steak and not being fat at all. Yeah, I farted. Jealous?! Oh, right, Linds. Okay so this is just an excuse to do a Lohan post and put up some tots adorbs pics because Mean Girls was sooo on TV yesterday.

And with Lindsay “in rehab,” we’ve felt kind of lost here at IJWLML. Like a chicken without its head, so to speak. Like a Britney with hair, if you will. Speaking of, kudos to Lindsay on going to and finishing rehab and on celebrating her efforts to stay sober by…going to a club and having some cracked out crazy eyes (see picture 2). Maybe it’s her stunning blue contacts or maybe it’s because she’s cracked out, but either way, well played, Lohan, well played.

Oh and the last two pics aren’t relevant per se since they’re from two completely dif LiLeras (get it? Lilo + era!) but she’s also wearing contacts in the fourth one that look super adorable and the last pic, well, that’s just a classic. Hosting the Movie Awards? Check. Ghetto fab white girl black outfit? Check. Pretty bad dancing that involves doing “the Lisa” and several dance moves that we reenact in our apartment daily as we slowly come to the understanding of why exactly neither of us has a boyfriend? Check mate!

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In Response to Britney’s Baldness

After getting over my initial projectile vomiting from Britneygate 2007, I couldn’t help but be reminded of a little thing I like to call “my first post.” I am very wise, I know, but clearly, Britney didn’t take heed to that advice, so I’m hitting her up with some more. Although I’ve never been more convinced of Britney’s inability to make good decisions, so let’s see how this flies. To continue from the previous list:

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us4. Shaving your head ≠ smart. I understand you’re frustrated, Brit, and this is your way of lashing out at the world, but please, keep it on the DL. Fine, go, shave your head. But seriously, just put on a wig immediately after and kill everyone around you! That way you can enjoy your four seconds of freedom without the problem of those pesky guys with CAMERAS who managed to get dozens of pictures of your dumbass decision.

5. Stop doing drugs. It’s a weird concept, this “being sober” thing but it’s also a magical one which allows people to function on a basic level. You can’t control this problem? Then go to fucking rehab. And not that miraculous 24-hour one you went to yesterday. Wonderland doesn’t count either. I mean hardcore, lock-a-bitch-in rehab. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet a charming rugged baseball player who saves you after you fall out of a tree trying to get the pills you dropped from your second floor room during a stormy night. Or maybe you’ll just watch 28 Days while there and not actually experience any of that in real life.

6. Disown your family. Clearly, Lynn and Jamie aint doin shiiiit, which is understandable since you could buy their souls. But you can’t buy Rayray’s** soul. Because she’s from the Bronx and will cut you faster than you can say “oops.” A little tough love never hurt so, for the sake of humanity, I am offering you my very own family in place of your own, to be used until you stop acting crazy or until Lindsay offish leaves rehab because I care more about her well-being than yours.

Again, the likelihood of Britney taking this advice to heart is slim to none considering no one but me and Stephen read this blog. In the meantime, all I can do is hope that Britney will get the help she needs because after all, had I been the world’s biggest superstar at age 16 instead of an awkward New Yorker with a Jewfro, maybe I’d be that fucked up too. Or maybe I wouldn’t because I’d be the best celebrity EVER.

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Dance + Life = Awesome

There was a time when I could like Jennifer Lopez because please, she was (anything for) Selenaaas. But then she started wearing all white ghetto suits and was on every tabloid cover ever and I got the tiniest bit sick of her because seriously, her ass isn’t even that big. So it hurts me a little when I say I offer newfound kudos to J.Lo, former Fly Girl dancer and current executive producer of MTV’s newest non-realicrap Dancelife. Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

The series features Blake, one of the best contestants from season one of my total fave SYTYCD,** a dancer named Jersey (whose real name is NOT “Jersephine,” as I had imagined but is actually “Michelle Maniscalco,” which is much less exciting) and tons of celeb cameos. Including Nelly Furtado and her magnetic hair. Sure, the show has shortcomings but as a person who thrives on hip-hop, break and any kind of synchronized dancing, this show is like a frickin godsend. Espesh after an 8 hour day of class that starts at nine and ends with my death every Monday night. Plus, how can you not heart a show in which one of the six principle dancers does an “impromptu” solo performance in each episode to express his/her feeling at the time that just happens to sync perfectly with the track overlaid onto the episode?

And unlike most reality shows, most of these people are actually…likeable. Okay, maybe not likeable (except really for Jerz and Kenny because he’s like totarry cute and all) but they don’t make you want to throw yourself in front of a bus, Regina George style. Which is a huge step up from anything else that’s been on MTV since 1995. So, congrats, J.Lo, on making a wise decision. And congrats to me for finally doing my laundry and not leaving hand-washed underwear around our room. A thank you, a thank you.

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