Archive for the 'by stephen' Category

I Just Wanna IJWLML My IJWLML

Heeeey Ya’ll, long time no post, eh? Livvy and I know we’ve been neglecting you a bit — and we deeply apologize. We have so-called “school” and “classes” and “midterms” and “the future” to worry about. I mean, it’s not like Livvy has a 4.0 to maintain and I have um, uhh… a not 4.0 to maintain or anything. I HATE LIFE.

Anyways, we thought it might be nice to catch everyone up on our fascinating personal lives. Because you care:

1. Livvy and I will be renewing our vows next week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

Others may know this occasion as “Spring Break”. But as a legitimately married couple, we do not plan on participating in any such debauchery and have instead opted to read the Bible to each other each day as the Sun meets the beautiful Mexican waters. Everyone is invited to witness this wondrous occasion. We hope our relationship can spark in each and everyone of your hearts what the World needs more of these days. Love. True Love. Or… um, let’s just be honest — Angst. Because we’re really just stuck with one another in a loveless marriage formed in the fact that we are very very very socially capable individuals and prefer meeting new people to watching Battlestar Galactica.

2. Within the next two weeks, IJUSTWANNALIVEMYLIFE.COM will launch.

We’ve really been meaning to get around to this, but aforementioned school is getting in the way. Expect awesome improvements, more weekly series (What’s Behind Sammy?, Overheard in Providizzle, Loves & Hates, new weekly W.A.N.K!), and the continuation of everything that you already love about me — or, er, the blog.

3. I Just Wanna Drrurnnkk My Drrrrunnkkk.

Yes, that’s right. Party. All the Time. My girl wants to. Wait, what? Huh? Whatever… what I mean to say is that sometime in the next month we will be hosting a party in honor of you — our reader, and the fact that will we have accumulated 5,000 hits. A Firmstrong** date is yet to be set, but we will be getting back to you. All readers are invited to not vomit on our carpet. Thank You and that is all.


Sincerely,
Stephen and Livvy

Halloween 2k6. No Asian babies were roofied in the taking of this photo.

Knowleses Mastermind Bot-yonce-gate ’07

Oh deary me! It looks like some SI swimsuit models and the ever charming Beyonce Knowles may have been exposed to an acute form of Hepatitis A!! The Health Department of L.A. County has issued a statement that there was something foul in the food catered by Wolfgang Puck earlier this month during the SI Swimsuit Edition Valentine’s Day party!! Oh how I am concerned for the well being of those innocent young women!

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usUnless… Wait a minute (guuurrl, why you do me like that). I smell something fishy. Feeling in my gut that something is awry, I quickly flick on my DVD of Get A Clue. Surely, in my moment of need, pre-teen Lindsay will be of use. And as always she has pulled through, inspiring me to engage in some internet-sleuthing which leads me to this site – a top-secret “Wikipedia” file found documenting what “Hepatitis A” really is. I peruse the document. A bird caws in the distance. To my horror, I spy… ANOREXIA as a symptom?? Is this perhaps a… CONSPIRACY to keep models skinny or to… KILL THEM?? Is this some kind of SICK PLOY?

Surely it is. The plan — it was too well conceived, it’s execution — flawless. But who was behind this all? I pause to think long and hard. Take a moment to breathe. And a few more to watch Avril Lavigne’s new “Girlfriend” video. Alas, Avril provides the answers. It is complicated. A damn cold night. The man behind it all is the victim herself, Bot-yonce.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usSee, unlike the general public, I have been privy for many years now to the information that Beyonce is really Bot-yonce, a 27th generation IPod from the future that “sings” on its own. Bot-yonce was far too advanced for the human race to control, and in a last ditch effort to save humanity, NASA launched Bot-yonce into the past. Upon her arrival to the year 2000, Bot-yonce did one of those neck-snap thingies to the real Beyonce, released a solo album, and rejoined forces with Matthew Knowles, aka Satan.

My deductions prove correct once again! This recent brouhaha executed at the SI party is not a mere coincident, it is in fact just another in a series of events concocted by the EKC (Evil Knowles Contingency). In Bot-yonce’s quest to become the most beautiful woman alive (which is clearly impossible, because she is an IPod), she has stealthy poisoned the world’s most revered women, knowing she herself hardly susceptible to a simple human virus! What will Bot-yonce do next?!?!?!

Only God knows. And God helped J-Hud win an Oscar last night. So all I’m sayin’ is: Jennifer Hudson watch yo back.

The End.

va-sourcesource

How Britney Ended Oscars Night ’07

Are you ready for me to sound like an excited 13 year old girl? The one that I pretend I’m not (even though the mix CD with Stacie Orrico and t.A.T.u in my car begs to differ)? Well, get ready cuz it’s coming.

As Liv mentioned in her charming, well-written, and “so-funny-at-all-times” post about tonight’s Oscar Awards, I attempted to crash Elton John’s Annual Aids Fundraiser Oscar Afterparty. I was successful. EEEE!!! squeaaaaaaaal!

Along with my trusty partner in crime, Mandydemoo, I infiltrated the guarded fort that was Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood, the site of the partay. It was a laborious process — filled with hours developing and strategizing our efforts — but it was in the end, a labor of love, and of sheer pooping of our pants.

The highlights of the night were when Amanda’s boobs were looked at by real-non-crashing-attendees (multiple times), Kiefer Sutherland smoking five feet away from us, Posh being a robot, rubbing elbows with Eric McCormack (literally),the appearance of Faux-Lindsay (not to be confused with Real-Lindsay), and the gay men and drunk lesbians from Alabama. What a wonderful night. Even James Blunt, who refused to stop “performing” his “songs” couldn’t bring me down.

Oh, and before we left, I requested the DJ play some Britney (naturally). I mean, if Lindsay wasn’t going to grace us with her presence, thus allowing me to promote our little baby IJWLML to its very muse, I would need some sort of therapy. And Britney of a pre-bald world would have done the trick. But alas, only Pussycat Dolls played. To which I say — why does one of you look like that transvestite I once saw dressed up as the Joker?

Anyways, I applaud Elton John for his work in AIDS Funding, for allowing us ease in crashing his party, and lastly, Ryan Gosling. For being eternally hot. The end.

Some photos of the evening:

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PS. I will update this with some pics from the evening which include but are not limited to: red carpet photos of real celebrities and me looking like a 7 year old boy in rental formal wear (as soon as I locate a cable to get them off my phone).

source – me and my mom!!! or rather, Amanda.
image source-aroni

Russian Faux-Lesbians Pee Their Pants

Remember that time you were arrested and thrown into an outdoor jail? And then it STARTED RAINING?? and you were like UGHH this is SO LAME, LIKE MY HAIR IS GOING TO GET SO FRIZZY!!!!!! But then you calmed down and it was okay, because you looked down and you were wearing a catholic school girl outfit, and your breasts+nipples were showing through your extremely well-calculated white button-down shirt? Oh, and you totally made out with a girl! No? Are you sure?

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usOh wait, I forgot. Of course you don’t remember… because you’re NOT the BEST THING TO COME OUT OF RUSSIA EVER. Well, at least besides Zangief, the Russian wrestler from Street Fighter who had like 22″ biceps and still couldn’t kick Ryu’s ass (HADOKEN!!!). Anyways, I’ve actually been talking about t.A.T.u, the “lesbian” duo (read: actually completely hetero and one birthed a real life non-gay-baby) who released such awesome songs such as “All The Things She Said” and “They’re Not Gonna Get Us” in the early 2000s.

You may have been wondering where this seemingly two-hit wonder power group went. Well, you can wonder no longer. The time is now. Lena and Yulia have announced their comeback – hitting the studio with none other than… FERGIE. Or at least, it’s rumored. But the possibilities are endless. I mean, we’re talking about the combined the forces of three women who have collectively taken off all their clothes, made out with numerous women, and peed their pants… ALL ON STAGE. Sigh-o, the future holds such promise.


PS: a little memory jogger for the older cats out there:

sourcemeister

Not A Girl, Not Yet A Man

OH. MY. GOD.
BRITNEY SPEARS SHAVED HER HEAD COMPLETELY BALD.

There’s no time for me to attempt being witty or clever. The pictures need to be posted stat. All I can say is, why do these people make my life so easy??

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More use of puns, references to hot-britney-of-the-past, and much needed intense scrutiny coming soon. I will leave the utter shock and dismay to Livvy, as she has gone on weekend sabbatical via Typaldos Parental Unit.

Some Updates: Some of you may know, Britney checked in and quickly out an unknown rehab center earlier today. Also, she apparently checked in and quickly out of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center here in LA tonight after the whole shaving fiasco. She was wearing a dark colored wig and that’s all that’s known so far. I would usually crack jokes, but I think something is seriously wrong with the chick. Let’s just let her live her life. Bald.

source, source

Exclusive! Paris Hilton Insider Tells All!

Hey… Hey, psst… It’s me, Paris Hilton’s right eye. Yeah I’m talking to you! No, no, not the guy over your shoulder… You! Ok yes, I know. I know that it looks like I’m talking to him. NO I GET IT. Look, let’s just move past that, alright? I have a lot to say, and I want to get it all out. Ok, seriously, stop looking over your shoulder! I. am. talking. to. you.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usLook, I’m angry. Why? Because recently people have been talking a lot of shit about me – saying I’m a “lazy” eye and that I’m “wonky”. Everyone’s all up in arms because I don’t “follow the lead” of my partner in crime, Left-eye Ho-pez. I’ve gotten through all the criticism for a while now, but I’m getting tired of it. Mainly because it’s not ME at fault.

Lets all admit… Miss Hilton (not actually worth a trillion bucks) is a sinking ship. She went from hot socialite to hot mess. I mean, I used to be considered pretty! Even Beakerz, Paris’ nose, was considered acceptable. Shocking! I know. But the decline of Paris has signaled to me that its time, time to tell the truth – to let it all out about Paris. Parisexposed.com ain’t got nothin’ on me, man. If you knew even half the things I saw – you wouldn’t believe it. Yeah, okay there were a couple times I missed out on the festivities. Like when I was blindfolded by a paper bag that night Joe Francis told Paris he needed to “concentrate”. And yeah, there were a few blow sessions where I rolled into the back of Paris’ head. But I mean, other than that… I live a fascinating life. Don’t believe me? Here’s a rundown of the things I’ve seen just this past month:



Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us1. The right side of Paris’s reflection in a mirror (this about 23 times a day, give or take a few)
2. All the paparazzi trying to approach Paris from her right side
3. The cube of ice thrown at Paris’ head after she performed Stars Are Blind
4. That one L.A. hipster girl doing lines of blow off a passed-out bum just past the right shoulder of Brandon Davis.
5. Joe Francis’ right nut
6. Britney’s right boob
7. And lastly, semi-nude pictures of Harry Potter. Who knew?

So, cased closed. I’m Awesome. And I’m going to go record my debut single now. Kisses!



PS. Some pictures of me out and about recently at The Vienna Opera Ball:

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source

FutureTacky/LoveTacky

Ok, I’m just going to get straight to the point. Can Justin please stop wearing suits, ties, and vests??? Where the fuck is he going? The Guv’nah’s ball? M’Lady’s coronation? Jakey G’s commitment ceremony? No? I THOUGHT SO. So STOP. Yes, I may be irrationally angry, but whatever, I hate to think that he regards himself (and god forbid other people regard him) as a trendsetter. Because dressing “up” is not trendsetting, it’s copping out and pretending you’re classy. Because you’re not actually classy. Because when you were 18, you had a huge white-man fro and pierced ears. So shut up and sing! (Dixie Chicks hollaaa)

Speaking of, when singing, please sing well. Take your Grammy performances (read: attempts to show Justin playing real instruments) last night for example. I realize falsetto is your “strength,” but high pitched ooh-ing and aah-ing (as Livvy mentioned her X-tina post) is never welcome. To avoid that problem, maybe you should consider not using falsetto on every single track. For once. Shocking, I know. Look for yourself:

Don’t get me wrong, Justin, you’re a great performer, but all I’m saying is, wearing fedoras, vests, and handkerchiefs draped ever-so-slightly out of your back pockets isn’t some kind of fashion statement. It’s been done, son. And for god’s sake why do you even need a full three-piece suit? If I’m not mistaken, your fan base is largely 13-20 year old females (read: me and Livvy) and last time I checked, they didn’t want to see their delusional gay uncle perform on stage. Now I’m not saying you should revert back to the matching denim outfits of the BS days, but remember when you were half naked on the cover of Rolling Stone? That was a good look.

Ok so a little recap. Keep with the dancing, stop with the falsetto, wear less clothing oh and one more thing – try to stay off my movie screen too. Remember when you played supermodel Jason Sharp in Model Behavior? UGH AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN HOT.