Archive for the 'by stephen' Category



Breaking News: Tila Tequila is Really Sad Today

Alright guys, Anna Nicole Smith’s tragic death was definitely a shocker. While all this legal stuff is being sorted out, I think we should take a moment to see how it has affected people, namely, MySpace’s biggest ho, Tila Tequila. Here are excerpts from a bulletin she posted yesterday:

I AM REALLY SAD TODAY

…I am really sad today. Earlier my day started off marvelous until I got home and got online. I posted up a bulletin sending out my condolences to in regards to the late Anna Nicole Smith and I got so much negative energies from some people…

Such negative energies consumed my body, mind, and soul and…

…Then as I was crying on my bedroom floor feeling helpless….I realized that there IS something I could do to feel better! So I looked up the local orphanages in Los Angeles and called around to see if they needed any volunteers! I love, love, love children….especially helpless and innocent ones so now I am on my way to a local orphanage to meet some of these children.

My sprits are high once again and now I have truly found a great way to channel all of these “negative” energy that some people try to project onto me, into “positive”…

….Because of my spontaneous actions to go help out an an orphanage today….I will no longer be posting up my new single that is supposed to be premiering today. That will have to wait until I am in better spirits…Love, Tila



Tila may think she has us all fooled that she’s the next Mother Teresa with bad make-up and large breasteses, but my sources at the orphanage told me this is how it really went down:

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usOrphanage Front Desk Lady: Hi! how can I help you?
Tila: Anna Nicole Smith died. I am really sad today.
Orphanage Lady: Okay… well, what are you here for.
Tila: All these negative energies just consumed by body.
Orphanage Lady: ..um
Tila: And I just finished crying on my bathroom floor for 5 hours. I think I’m pregnant.
Orphanage Lady: ..
Tila: My single is supposed to be released today, but I just couldn’t stop this emotional breakdown, I just couldn’t. Look at my boobs.
Orphanage Lady: Um, ma’am, I here to accept volunteers for our youth mentoring program, did you come here to volunteer?
Tila: Does a bear shit in the woods?
Orphanage Lady: Excuse me? Can you just tell me what your name is, ma’am?
Tila: Yes, first name Tila, T-I-L-A. Tequila is the last name. ‘T’ like Titties, ‘E’ like Eat it, ‘Q’ like Quickie, ‘U’ like ‘uhhhhhh-uh-huh’, ‘I’ like Insert, ‘L’ like Lube, and ‘A’ like Assplay.
Orphanage Lady: Um, so you mean like the hard liquor?
Tila: Oh, why do you want some? I think I have some in the car.
Orphanage Lady: Ma’am, to be honest I’m not entirely sure you’re qualified.
Tila: My breasts are real!
Orphanage Lady: Goodbye, Ma’am.
Tila: I am really angry today. So much negative energies!

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Heidi is a Ho… Heidi-ho?

If you’ve been keeping up with MTV’s The Hills like me, you know that Lauren is just like tooo cuuuutee and dresses like sooo cuuutee. You know the drama between Heidi and Audrina is just like sooo high school… I mean, like gosh guys, like grow up! And you know Spencer is a just like a total skeeze (and can go shave his back now).

You also secretly hate yourself for secretly watching a very openly bad show. Because, lets not kid ourselves, The Hills is a poorly scripted poorly knocked off knock-off of Sex and the City. And its four leading women have about as much place on television as Carrie Bradshaw’s hideously oversized flower pendants.

You also realize that the show pretty much exclusively recruits its cast members from the university you attend, and secretly hope that some day, you too can achieve fleeting fame and become best friends with Lindsay Lohan. You therefore developed a plan in which you would create an extremely well written, witty blog, doubling — nay, tripling — your chances for stardom. You then realized, mid-post, that you had gone off on a tangent for the past 2 paragraphs and remembered all you originally wanted to say was that HEIDI IS UGLY… and stupid.

So moving on. The following are some of the highlights from Heidi’s interview with Us Magazine about her upcoming spread in Stuff:

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usUs: Do you think the photo spread is sexy?
“Obviously, they are sexy. Mostly because I am hardly wearing anything! I was excited to show a side of myself that people don’t get a chance to see just watching The Hills. Spencer (Pratt, her manager-boyfriend and Hills co-star) definitely likes them!”

Us: Were you nervous about doing the shoot?

“I was definitely nervous about this shoot. It is my first big spread in any magazine and it was a very sexual photo shoot. I wore different swimsuits and outfits. The most provocative photos were either the ones in the pool where I am splashing around in the water, or the poses on the bearskin rug. I definitely had a lot of fun doing it.”

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us Us: What’s your message to your teenage girl fans by taking sexy photos like these?
“If they get a chance to do a [national magazine] photo spread [at my age], and they feel comfortable with their bodies, then they should do it. That’s my message.”

Us: So you want to be a pop star?
I am working on my album right now. The sound is going to be very fun, fresh, sexy. It will be the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie. I grew up dancing so there also will be a lot of performing. And a lot of my songs will be very sexual.





I have one thing to say about Heidi’s upcoming music career: LINDSAY LOHAN 4 LYFE!!
…Too random? I don’t give a shit, Sucka!

source

I’m Bringin’ Blazin’ Back, Yeah!

Stars are just like us, ya’ll. They just want to live their lives. And sometimes, that means hittin the reefer. Like, remember the time you were just going to go over to a friends house for a couple of beers, and ended up doing a power hour and eventually being completely wasted and high at a diner, eating THE BEST chicken fingers ever? No? Okay.

Anyways, sometimes Justin does (or rather, did) the same. Except that when he gets high, Ashton Kutcher puts it on national television. And when he gets high, all his possessions get fake re-possessed and then he calls his mommy. That’s right my friends, Justin has told Entertainment Weekly that he had been high when being Punk’d in 2003.

I would post the video so we could all see for ourselves, but Viacom made the dick move of having all their content removed from YouTube, so I can’t seem to find it. Instead, I’ll post “Britney Stoned”. SO worth watching again. And again. HUUHH? huh?


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Cassie 2 Wallpaper: It’s Me & U, Babe.

If Ur anything like me, Ur constantly nervous when U go 2 the gym or go 2 take a run. And no, it’s not because everyone is 6 feet or over and Ur 5’7″ and Asian. It’s because U don’t want anyone 2 judge U based on the fact that Ur listening 2 Nsync’s “Pop”, B2K’s “Uh-huh”, and UR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WORLD EVER Cassie’s summer smash “Me & U”.

Also, if Ur anything like me, U watched Garden State Ur senior year of high school and thought Zach Braff was sooooo deeeep. Fuck man, It changed Ur life, and Uve known it 4 days. U wished, however, that the lead role was played by a talentless (read: hot) daughter of a Filipino father and an African-American/West Indian/Mexican mother. U long 4 Braff’s big schnozz 2 be replaced by a songstress who dances in front of and kisses herself in a mirror in her debut video 4 the catchiest song on the planet.

Lastly, if Ur anything like me, Ur tired of training Urself to write ‘U’ instead of ‘You’ and just wanna get on with it and post the pictures already.

So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Cassie (backstage at Charlotte Ronson Fall 2007) blending into wallpaper a la Zach Braff’s character, Largeman:

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And because she looks busted in the above pictures, some of her at the NRJ Music awards earlier this year:

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LiLoverload 2k7: Dina Lohan is a ho

If Lindsay’s in rehab, why is there so much news about her? Oh right, we’re all obsessed. And it’s not even just the two lovely, well-educated, and well-adjusted young writers of IJWLML. It’s YOU too. Admit it.

And that’s a good thing, cuz in times like these, guys, Lindsay needs our love. Because her mom is a raging bitch. Actually, she’s just a HOMESCHOOLED JUNGLE FREAK WHO’S A LESS HOT VERSION OF ME. Or rather, Lindsay. And I’m not sure what kind of education Dina Lohan had, though I’m assumingFree Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us its pretty shitty if you’re career goal is to look like your daughter.

Anyways, Dina, being the nurturing, caring figure she is, has decided to take Entertainment Tonight along with her as she visits Lindsay in Wonderland. Surprise! You’re on Candid Caaam-ra! No but really, Dina like literally calls up ET is all “hey y’all i’ve heard y’all make your careers off exploiting young actresses, and I thought it might be a good idea to whore my daughter out to you as a means to establish myself as America’s favorite MILF.” And by MILF, I think she really means MILPITHFBSFSAITROTRLIJHC: Mother I’d like to Punch In The Face Because She Fucking Sucks And Is The Root Of The Reasons Lindsay Is Jeopardizing Her Career.

My po’ baby. With a crazy ex-con Poppa-Lo and professional whore Momma-Lo, where can you turn? Well, drugs. Obviously. But I’m providing her an alternative. Safe Haven here at Providizzle**. We have a dimly-lit, grungy spare bathroom, dramatic eye-make up, and some old polo sweaters waiting on the dresser. Just for you…

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She Just Wants Her McMuffin Buttered

Did you really think I was going to go much longer without posting about freckled little cuddle muffin Lindsay Lohan? She may be in Wonderland rehabbing herself, but she’s still number one in my book. And speaking of muffins, thats all she wants these days. Some Mickey D’s with a side of pretty boy Brody Jenner’s homefries. And yes, by homefries I mean penis… naturally.

shit dude, that’s some fuckin’ rad ink!

US Weekly has reportedly “eye-balled” some sexie texties between LiLo and the why-the-fuck-are-you-famous ex of every why-the-fuck-are-you-famous girl in L.A. In one of the messages Lindsay claimed she just wanted “McDonald’s and sex.” What they failed to report, however, is that “McDonald’s” is code for crack-cocaine, and “sex” actually stands for… sex. After all, bitch be HORRRRNY… HORNY!

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Casting News: The Dark Night

For those of us who saw Batman Begins, we know it was pretty legit. Christian Bale? God. Katie Holmes? Busy sucking off L. Ron Hubbard. And thus, a little casting shake up. Katie’s out, and RAYRAY MCADAMS is in.

Now all we need is a fairy tale in which 1) two young actors are born in the same hospital in Canada, 2) Get perfectly cast opposite each other in a film that Livvy watches on lonely Saturday nights with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Marsha Marsha Marshmallow, and 3) Become the best couple EVAR. Oh wait. That is real life. McGosling FTW.

Anyways, we all knew RayRay (not **RayRay) was going to take over the world sooner or later. What was more surprising was the announcement that the role of The Joker would not go to Heath Ledger and instead to…





KELLY OSBOURNE. I know I’m scurred…

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zingah!!

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