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Knowleses Mastermind Bot-yonce-gate ’07

Oh deary me! It looks like some SI swimsuit models and the ever charming Beyonce Knowles may have been exposed to an acute form of Hepatitis A!! The Health Department of L.A. County has issued a statement that there was something foul in the food catered by Wolfgang Puck earlier this month during the SI Swimsuit Edition Valentine’s Day party!! Oh how I am concerned for the well being of those innocent young women!

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usUnless… Wait a minute (guuurrl, why you do me like that). I smell something fishy. Feeling in my gut that something is awry, I quickly flick on my DVD of Get A Clue. Surely, in my moment of need, pre-teen Lindsay will be of use. And as always she has pulled through, inspiring me to engage in some internet-sleuthing which leads me to this site – a top-secret “Wikipedia” file found documenting what “Hepatitis A” really is. I peruse the document. A bird caws in the distance. To my horror, I spy… ANOREXIA as a symptom?? Is this perhaps a… CONSPIRACY to keep models skinny or to… KILL THEM?? Is this some kind of SICK PLOY?

Surely it is. The plan — it was too well conceived, it’s execution — flawless. But who was behind this all? I pause to think long and hard. Take a moment to breathe. And a few more to watch Avril Lavigne’s new “Girlfriend” video. Alas, Avril provides the answers. It is complicated. A damn cold night. The man behind it all is the victim herself, Bot-yonce.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usSee, unlike the general public, I have been privy for many years now to the information that Beyonce is really Bot-yonce, a 27th generation IPod from the future that “sings” on its own. Bot-yonce was far too advanced for the human race to control, and in a last ditch effort to save humanity, NASA launched Bot-yonce into the past. Upon her arrival to the year 2000, Bot-yonce did one of those neck-snap thingies to the real Beyonce, released a solo album, and rejoined forces with Matthew Knowles, aka Satan.

My deductions prove correct once again! This recent brouhaha executed at the SI party is not a mere coincident, it is in fact just another in a series of events concocted by the EKC (Evil Knowles Contingency). In Bot-yonce’s quest to become the most beautiful woman alive (which is clearly impossible, because she is an IPod), she has stealthy poisoned the world’s most revered women, knowing she herself hardly susceptible to a simple human virus! What will Bot-yonce do next?!?!?!

Only God knows. And God helped J-Hud win an Oscar last night. So all I’m sayin’ is: Jennifer Hudson watch yo back.

The End.

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World Premiere: Timbaland’s “Give It To Me” Vid Featuring JT and Nelly Furtado

Damn, Gina, look at us, premiering all these great new songs and videos and shit. So you may remember not too long I ago I posted about “Give It To Me” because I’m very hip and um, got the song from a Nelly Furtado forum. Anyway, the vid premiered today on TRL and here it is:

So apparently having three of the biggest stars in pop music today do a song and video together means making a video on an approximately three dollar budget. Seriously, I made a better video in my 290 class and let’s face it, I suck. So based on the law of physics and gravity, this video sucks a lot more than I do. Suckas. Say crack again…CRACK! Anyway, kudos to Timbo on doing the song or whatever but no kudos go out to Nelly whose hair does not look right and who is wearing a longer version of my mother’s infamous 500-dollar metal chain shirt from 1987. While the dress may not have shoulder pads a la Rayray’s shirt, it wouldn’t hurt because that would at least make this interesting to watch. Word of advice for JusTimNel (right?!): next time you wanna do a video, try using a director. And offering to pay people to make it instead of asking a roadie to shoot some random footage. Seriously, it works.

IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: For much more Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake and pop culture fun, head on over to our new site: www.ijustwannalivemylife.com. 

Clip Du Jour: 2/26/07

Yes, we know this has been posted on the blog already. But we enjoy procrastinating SO MUCH that we’re taking the time to repost this epitome of our collective love that is Emily Blunt, Meryl Streep and Devil Wears Prada. Oh, and we guess Anne Hathaway can be in that mix too.

Beyonce and Shakira’s “Beautiful Liar.” Seriously.

Shaki Glasses

Well, this is interesting: one of the celebs that I hate most + one of the celebs I love the most = a recipe for mediocrity? In general, Shaki can really do no wrong for me…except for her giant mane of hair at the Grammy’s but still, she’s totally everything I want to be: skinny, multi-lingual, a semi-midge, chock full of metaphors, famous and dating once-hot-but-currently-fat-and-lazy Argentine royalty. But a collabo with Beyonce, really?

Beautiful Liar

Although I guess that was inevitable considering Beyonce owes like half of her career to Shakira…or just the “Baby Boy” video and all her other ones but I really don’t watch Beyonce vids so whatever. Either way, I’m not the biggest fan of the song–I was expecting a “Boy Is Mine” version 2.0 but instead I got this weird mash-up of “La Tortura,” “Whenever, Wherever,” and “Baby Boy” whose tempo will inevitably give rise to some awkward white kid swaying side to side at this years bar and bat mitzvahs. Jews dominating Trinity High School, what what! Nst. All right, kiddies, I’m off to throw myself into the throes of passion…or um, my postmodernism paper.

IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: For much more Beyonce, Shakira and pop culture fun, head on over to our new site: www.ijustwannalivemylife.com. 

Source = me and my cybercam! Cybershot…ugh, my camera.

How Britney Ended Oscars Night ’07

Are you ready for me to sound like an excited 13 year old girl? The one that I pretend I’m not (even though the mix CD with Stacie Orrico and t.A.T.u in my car begs to differ)? Well, get ready cuz it’s coming.

As Liv mentioned in her charming, well-written, and “so-funny-at-all-times” post about tonight’s Oscar Awards, I attempted to crash Elton John’s Annual Aids Fundraiser Oscar Afterparty. I was successful. EEEE!!! squeaaaaaaaal!

Along with my trusty partner in crime, Mandydemoo, I infiltrated the guarded fort that was Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood, the site of the partay. It was a laborious process — filled with hours developing and strategizing our efforts — but it was in the end, a labor of love, and of sheer pooping of our pants.

The highlights of the night were when Amanda’s boobs were looked at by real-non-crashing-attendees (multiple times), Kiefer Sutherland smoking five feet away from us, Posh being a robot, rubbing elbows with Eric McCormack (literally),the appearance of Faux-Lindsay (not to be confused with Real-Lindsay), and the gay men and drunk lesbians from Alabama. What a wonderful night. Even James Blunt, who refused to stop “performing” his “songs” couldn’t bring me down.

Oh, and before we left, I requested the DJ play some Britney (naturally). I mean, if Lindsay wasn’t going to grace us with her presence, thus allowing me to promote our little baby IJWLML to its very muse, I would need some sort of therapy. And Britney of a pre-bald world would have done the trick. But alas, only Pussycat Dolls played. To which I say — why does one of you look like that transvestite I once saw dressed up as the Joker?

Anyways, I applaud Elton John for his work in AIDS Funding, for allowing us ease in crashing his party, and lastly, Ryan Gosling. For being eternally hot. The end.

Some photos of the evening:

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PS. I will update this with some pics from the evening which include but are not limited to: red carpet photos of real celebrities and me looking like a 7 year old boy in rental formal wear (as soon as I locate a cable to get them off my phone).

source – me and my mom!!! or rather, Amanda.
image source-aroni

Oscars 2007 aka The Longest Nap Of My Life

The Notebook

So while Stephen is off not getting tazered in the face as he attempts to crash Elton John’s after-Oscar party, I’m going to avoid working on my paper and do some Oscar updating. Well, not so much updating as it is mocking of the entire institution and all it holds dear. Now, now, don’t Fergie in your pants—I shall be updating throughout or at least for as long as I can stay awake. Here goes:

Best I’m off to a raging 80s party on the row, dude…outfit: Jessica Biel. And honestly, if this ho were really as hot as everyone claims, she’d be able to pull off wearing a garbage bag…covered in poop. But she can’t even wear this and look good so come on, who’s the hottie now? Exactly.

Best example of a foreign accent making all the dif: Penelope Cruz. I don’t really have anything clever for this so…um…I’m gonna go….

Most appealing manwich: Diego and Gael. Muy caliente! Nst.

Best example of when not to wear a mommy-dress: Elizabeth Shue. Seriously, when would this ever be a good decision?

Best reminder of why shiny gold jackets are generally bad ideas: Jennifer Hudson. J Hud, a word of advice: when you find yourself suddenly famous, it’s generally wise to look good at all times. Not everyone is as blessed as me in that department, I know, but you at least have to try.

The one who makes aging not quite as scary: Catherine Deneuve. Old laaaady!

Most creative accessory: Wolfgang Puck. Mmm…edible oscar. Although I think a wienerschnitzel would have been more appropriate and much more hilarious here.

Worst attempt at “The Britney:” Jackie Earle Haley, the pedophile from Little Children, tied with Jack Nicholson aka Rachel Green’s hairless cat from “The One With the Ball.”

Best use of a gospel choir: Well, let’s be real, obvi it’s Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” video. Okay, maybe it wasn’t used in the Oscars per se but this shit could use a bit of 1989 Madonna sass.

Only moment really worth watching: That totally adorable reenactment of The Devil Wears Prada between Emily Blunt, Anne Hathaway and please-be-my-second-mom Meryl Streep.

Biggest cop out: Celine Dion not singing “My Heart Will Go On.” I was so prepared to relive my love that is Titanic, not for whatever crap she sang.

Best owning of Dreamgirls: Melissa Ethridge winning for best original song. What suckas–Dreamgirls was nominated for 3 of the 5 songs and they couldn’t even get that right. Served!

Dreamboat of the night: and forever, Clive Owen. Nnnnnnnnssssttttt.

Most annoying embodiment of the Academy’s love of patting itself on the back: Al Gore. Like, we get it: no one likes Prez Bush. No need for the references to Al Gore as president every five minutes. Or for the quick cuts to Stephen Spielberg and every other Hollywood “liberal” clapping excitedly about it. Yeah, I said it!

Total MILF of the night: Diane Keaton. Damn, lady, might as well change your name to Sassy McSasserstein.

Total DILF of the night: Peter O’Toole. Seriously, he was wearing a bowtie and purple jacket and has an accent. Plus, he’s really old and didn’t win so I figured he should get some sort of shout out over here, where it all really matters.

Biggest shocker: Helen Mirren as the best actress?! Forrest Whitaker as best actor?! I never would have guessed.

Worst decision of the night: Eating that ten pound bowl of cereal a minute ago. Eeesh.

Sidenote: You may be wondering why I included a picture of McGosling MOing from The Notebook. Well, I’m not entirely sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I just ate about fifty Cadbury eggs and need to believe in true love again by living vicariously through very attractive actors because Spring Break is in a week and I’m. So. Fat. Or it might be because Ryan Gosling is up for Best Actor and he’s the only nominee I could actually give a rat’s ass about…

Source-a-ho, Sourcemeister

Janey Briggs…Is Hot. And That Boy From About A Boy.

You know, the one with the awkwardly-shaped eyebrows and the high-pitched British accent who bears a striking resemblance to several people from the Trinity School Facebook network. Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usThis is almost as surprising as that time when you saw a picture of the boy from Jerry Maguire at age 13 and found yourself looking at a picture of a mini-me of your uncle Tony who wears wife beaters and gold chains all the time and can only understand the words “hair gel.” Or it’s like that time when the annoying kid who sees dead people suddenly turned 18 and got a DUI. Or when Lindsay Lohan gave the performance of her career playing both twins in The Parent Trap suddenly…got older and was JUST AS AWESOME. Moral of the story? Don’t make Vanilla Ice your style icon, don’t drink and drive, and make sure to do as many drugs as possible, all at once while having sex with multiple partners, so you too can be like Lindsay.

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In Honor Of My Sister, Kathryn

Well, no, she didn’t d-i-e or anything but it’s totarry her birthday right now on the East Coast (the beast coast, haaay!) and I’m doing an honorary post so she can always have a memory of that time she turned 24 for all to see on a little thing I like to call “the internet.” Now, I’ll probably get an angry phone call and perhaps some disowning in 2.4 minutes but I’m posting these pictures out of love, espesh the softball one. And because her BF totally secretly told me to do it. I’ve also included other pictures that aren’t quite as awkward. Which involve me being large in a prom dress. Or Claire being oh-so-angsty. And I apologize if this was overly sarcastic but I’m not entirely used to doing a post that isn’t making fun of someone or myself so have fun on le birthday.So, Kathryn, I shall end this by saying happy birthday since you’re my favorite sibling (besides Claire and Paul…) and…l’chaim.

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We’re Gonna Youtube Brit Like It’s 1999

Nnnnnst

So it’s a slow news day and in my attempt to feel really great about myself by eating my feelings, I’m doing a throwback post. To that glorious era, pre-bald-Britney, when we all had Tamogachis, Beanie Babies and even before then, when Pogs were all the rage and I still had a serious issue with public bathrooms and peed my pants a lot. I mean, when I was really popular and had friends who weren’t my cousins. Or my dog.

Ugh forget it, just watch one of my all-time favorite vids and then cry yourself to nap because Britney used to be totally adorable and so that innocent and because well, dance-offs aren’t part of your daily life. Speaking of, remember after Britney and Justin broke up and danced off in the club and it was like reality mimicking the “Drive Me Crazy” video and you just wished it would never end? Or when she made out with the checker-haired guy onstage during the ONYX Hotel tour and that was only THREE YEARS AGO and K-Fed wasn’t even part of your vocabulary because she still had an awesome bod? Woe is me. Hmph.

Sourcicle

Hot Off the Press! Linds Is Out!

Linds and Koi!

Of rehab, you dirty old man. And maybe it’s not hot off the press since this was in the news hours ago but I was a bit busy eating my ridiculous pure Kobe steak and not being fat at all. Yeah, I farted. Jealous?! Oh, right, Linds. Okay so this is just an excuse to do a Lohan post and put up some tots adorbs pics because Mean Girls was sooo on TV yesterday.

And with Lindsay “in rehab,” we’ve felt kind of lost here at IJWLML. Like a chicken without its head, so to speak. Like a Britney with hair, if you will. Speaking of, kudos to Lindsay on going to and finishing rehab and on celebrating her efforts to stay sober by…going to a club and having some cracked out crazy eyes (see picture 2). Maybe it’s her stunning blue contacts or maybe it’s because she’s cracked out, but either way, well played, Lohan, well played.

Oh and the last two pics aren’t relevant per se since they’re from two completely dif LiLeras (get it? Lilo + era!) but she’s also wearing contacts in the fourth one that look super adorable and the last pic, well, that’s just a classic. Hosting the Movie Awards? Check. Ghetto fab white girl black outfit? Check. Pretty bad dancing that involves doing “the Lisa” and several dance moves that we reenact in our apartment daily as we slowly come to the understanding of why exactly neither of us has a boyfriend? Check mate!

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